Trapped In Dreams

Same shit, different day

2010-11-28T20:07:00.000-08:00

I came here to relieve the burdens off of my shoulders again. As I was reading my last post before making this one...I realized it was almost word for word in what I was feeling now. A sad reality. I've not moved forward one inch or even if I had I've been pulled back to this place. This morbid and twisted place. I hate it. I hate everything. That's how I feel inside. There is no one, yet everyone, around me. This always happens. One day I won't wake up.

Love and Lust...

2010-09-15T20:17:00.000-07:00

Often times we find ourselves head over heels for someone. That someone in many cases is just a temporary attraction that caught our eye. What if this same concept can be applied to things and life? I know it sounds simple but given a deeper thought...it's more complex than I first had imagined. Many days I feel like I'm in love with my life and everything is going so smoothly and finally maybe just maybe I am starting to love myself. Then the next day I wake up and it was like I had been in a foggy daze just the day before. I still see the same ugly Laura in the mirror and the same bitter world that burns my heart with blisters then pours salt on my wounds. People, friends, acquaintances...whatever you would like to call them WILL let you down because of imperfection, selfishness, and difference. This of course is a catch 20-20 because the very same things that can be said of those people you have such high expectations can also be said of yourself. So how can one truly ever move forward in any relation with ANYTHING else? Not just people....objects tend to affect us through the years in different ways as well. One day a green pen is awesome to write with while tomorrow green could be the worst color in the world to you. I know it's a lot harder to see with objects but objects do in face change over time. That green pen will start fading, get broken, or just corrode naturally. Sigh....Maybe I'm actually searching for freedom...could it be?

God has done everything he possibly can to make me happy and yet I find myself drowning in misery. Do I love misery? Or am I a broken and won't let God fix me because I don't trust him to do so carefully?

How does one learn this? Is it a subconscious thing....? Do our parents teach us this? The television...society in general?

I can't remember the first time I caught someone lying to me because I'm sure it was one of my friends but I do in fact remember the first time I caught my mom in a lie. That hurt more than any pain I had felt before hand. If you can't trust your own mother how can you trust ANYONE? That thought plays in my head like a broken record and it's hard to move forward from it. Even after becoming an adult. I know it's seemingly childish to think mothers are perfect. I suppose I'd like to still believe there are other people out there like me. Not to say I myself am perfect but I don't lie to or on others to harm them that's for sure. Sigh....

Broken

2010-08-17T21:58:00.001-07:00

I feel so lifeless. I sit at home all alone every single day and night. Games and sleep drown out the loneliness but when it's time to go to bed there is nothing there to stop my mind and heart from reminding me that I am empty. My house is empty.

Mean people are a painful reminder as to why I am all alone. So I can't really complain or expect anything to change as long as this remains. I can't find reasons to wake up anymore. There is nothing here for me. I find myself too complex to be loved or understood. People try but I push them away because they hurt me and I just can't take anymore pain than that which I've already accumulated.

Between my physical health issues and scars on my heart from the abuse I've taken off people through the years I just can't deal with anything anymore. Everyone is pulling, pushing, tearing and not happy with me. I'm going to hell anyway, why not kill myself now and get a head start. No point in waiting really.

Every single day of my life I want to reach out to someone and tell them what's on my mind and heart but I don't think anyone cares to listen so I don't bother. Or I'm just so emotionally drained from the day that I can't find the energy to tell anyone. I am broken and now I'm stuck with this.

Bullies

2009-12-05T17:11:00.000-08:00

So I was walking into a store and noticed police cars and city cars parked on the side of the building behind this woman. She was standing outside of her car talking to the police officer. You could tell how frustrated she was because it was written all over her face like a bright yellow banner.

As I started to pass the scene, she yelled out to her car, "SHUT UP!! I AM RIGHT HERE! THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU SO SHUT UP!" Bewildered by this as I was walking, I nearly stopped. I looked down into the car and there was a baby, probably not even one year old yet. That poor helpless baby. She was so evil in her tone when speaking to that child. It made me sick to my stomach and hold a deep empathy for that kid.

Why are people's hearts so dark and filled with hatred? Am I drowning in this pool of evilness now? Have I seriously been that blind this long? I am losing faith in humanity. So many people are lost in the darkness.

Fallen

2009-07-10T23:15:00.001-07:00

Fallen

A hero surfaces from the darkness and holds out his hand,
He leans forward and attempts to swoop the damsel off of her feet.
She refuses him with a mysterious smile and carelessly walks away,
Standing there left in his own confusion, he frowns with a deep pain.
There is no understanding for such a situation on his thoughts.

Black and grey ashes gracefully fall from the clouds like snow,
A tear forms in the corner of his eye and rolls down his cheek.
In a second's time, the tear turns black as it fills with falling soot,
War paint seems to form on his face as the wind blows from the west.
Anger consumes his heart as the space around him closes in.

Distant shadows of dark creatures lurk about and yet he doesn't care,
The glory days are now over and life cannot go forward without her.
As silence embraces his ears everything inside and out, dies,
There is a light in the distance but it is rapidly fading.
The struggle within has begun and no one will mention a word.

The sirens sound off in panic as the demons devour the entire world,
With no escape from the chaos the sky can only reverberate the screams.
The ground violently shakes and a molten jagged break opens for the engulfing,
A lava pit swallows everything in a matter of moments leaving nothing in sight.
He remains still, there is nothing to hold on to, no one to try and understand.

-Laura Williams

"Ain't Life Funny"

2009-07-09T17:17:00.000-07:00

I had it all planned that day. Everything down to the very shoes I would wear. I had my nerve built up enough to at least put together my attire which was a black dress I wore to my grandmother's funeral and a pair of sandal platforms. They were my favorite dress shoes because I thought they made my legs longer and nicer looking. When I had myself all put together, I headed out the door. Still with my burdens weighing down on me I naturally walked slow. When I made it to my destination, I became filled with terror. It was a bridge on the trace right by my house over a canal leading into the reservoir. I sat down for a few moments to go over my last thoughts. I wanted to be rescued deep down because I imagined someone grab me as I would fall over the side and pull me back up. But even I knew that was out of reality. No one ever saw me with helpful eyes. After about 15 minutes, I finally stepped up onto the side of the bridge. I couldn't do it, my nerve was left from me. Sure enough as I started to get down, a freight truck passed. The wind was too strong to fight so I lost my footing and fell. When I began to fall I started to regret my present actions full heartedly. I fell in hopes of survival and without injuries. To my surprise as I landed in the water, I felt no pain and came back up to the surface still with life. A sudden relief of fear came over me and I became excited for a brief moment before it happened. Loud clashes of large body masses hit the water all around me. I then saw I had not escaped the hands of death so easily. Alligators with hungered expressions on their faces swarmed me. As they fought over my near lifeless body I began to sink to the bottom. My life flashed through my thoughts as fast as a jet breaking sound barrier. The last memories were of all the people who hurt had me. Death soon came very easily and put a soothing calm over my soul.

Laura Williams

A Year

2009-07-07T23:08:00.000-07:00

Wow...it's been almost a year since I've last posted here. It feels strange now. I don't even know where my year went. It's hidden it seems from my memory. Maybe it is tucked away behind all of the tears and pain I went through. Or the time spent going to school and work. Who knows, maybe a bit of it all. :)

No worries I suppose. I am back now, posting which at least means I'm alive haha! Wooooooooooo for life! xD So many habits I've picked up along the way and many more things to add to my OCD. I finished half of my school and now need to finish the other half. It feels like wednesday. I don't know if I should be sad that I am halfway there and still have half the work left or happy because I am in fact half way there. >.<;; bleh...what's wrong with seeing the glass half empty neh? Especially if you know what it feels like to be empty!!! *Sigh* I quit smoking too. It's been crazy. Real crazy.

Pain

2008-08-07T03:31:00.000-07:00

There are many types of pain. Physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. There are also many depths to pain as well. Like, where does the pain come from? What started it? Who started it? Etc.

I'm sitting here in a very deep physical pain that is causing me to not even want to breathe anymore. People I care about seem to be sticking me with spears lately. (Emotionally and Spiritually painful.) Those pains seem to be more demanding on my focus at this moment because despite the fact that I should most likely be sitting in a hospital right now, I don't really care to. I can't even care about the physical pain which is strange because usually it would have me on my knees and in tears with this extremity. It's kind of scary and alarming. It reminds of me of a psychological situation many people refer to. Where you place two people in a body of water that don't know how to swim. One person is severely depressed that doesn't care to live anymore while the other person is extremely happy and wishes to live. The depressed person will drown. I don't want to drown not really....but it seems I am. I can't even force myself to struggle. Sigh...

Strange Day & Honesty

2008-06-13T20:54:00.000-07:00

Today has been something strange in its entirety. O.O

Earlier, I went outside to get my dog only because it was thundering. I didn't want him to be stuck in the rain so I went to get him. The timing couldn't have been better. He had just gotten his collar off and was running around off of the leash. If it weren't for the oncoming rain I'd had been too late in collecting him.

Just 30 minutes ago I drove to town. There were 8 deer in one spot along the road. So odd. They were walking down someone's driveway to the edge of the road. I went slowly of course as I passed them because they can tear up a vehicle really bad. >.< As I topped the hill past them, there were oncoming cars. I started to flash my lights and warn them of the deer but I didn't. I usually would but I just felt like it would be useless. Seemingly, most people ignore that anyway. So I didn't bother. I could see in my rear-view mirror that one of the vehicles had slammed on their breaks so I figure they passed just fine without hitting the deer.

As I got into town I stopped at the gas station. I needed some coffee and stuff. Well as I paid for my items it was only $6.00. Which was odd to me. I didn't say anything but kept thinking about it on the way back to my car. I sat in my car, turned the light on, and looked at the receipt. The cashier forgot to ring me up for the coffee. LOL...

I grabbed my stuff and walked back into the store. He said, "What can I get for you now?" with a smile. I smiled back and said, "Oh nothing, you just forgot to ring me up for my coffees." He had a shocking surprised look on his face and said, "Thank you for being honest."

What does that mean? "Thank you for being honest?" Really, I don't understand. We are supposed to honest, it's what God asks of us and something we all strive for from others. Honesty. I didn't tell him, "You're welcome." My reason is because I don't think it's just to be thanked for something I'm supposed to do. From my standing point of view, it's like God saying "Thank you for coming to Church." or your boss saying "Thank you for coming in to work."

I'm not saying it's an obligation because we all have a choice. However, being honest for me is the right choice and the right decision. Something my greater power over me asks to be done which I gracefully accept and am happy to do so. Honesty is a beautiful thing and something I take pride in administering. Anyway, the coffee was only $4.00. I didn't feel right not paying for it. I knew I didn't pay for it when I got into my car. Even if it was the man's fault for not ringing it up, it was my responsibility to correct the situation since I was aware of it. Which is exactly what I did.

I don't approve of dishonesty, stealing, or any of that. Besides, the way karma is, even if I didn't take pride in being honest, if I didn't go back in and pay for the coffee, I would have had money lost from me or stolen from me. I don't want that, need that, or etc. So being honest is good from many aspects. It really is.

On my drive back home, a car flashed its lights at me. (How ironic right? LOL) I was confused for a moment because I assumed they figured I had my bright lights on, although I didn't. It's common for people to falsely flash their lights at you during the night along the road that you take to my home. Anyway, as I topped the hill, there sat a police officer in the dark on the side of the road, waiting, just waiting to get someone whom was speeding. Hehe. Too bad for that police officer that I never speed. xD

Blank

2008-06-09T21:02:00.001-07:00

I thought I escaped it.
I thought it was over.
I thought I would never see it again.

Problem is....

"You forgive and forget but it all comes back again."

An inevitable truth that will cling to my shadow until the day the good Lord reclaims my soul.
I'll walk in broken dreams forever. That's my blueprint.
I am trapped not in dreams anymore.
I am trapped in broken dreams.

This time the sun isn't coming back up again.
This time the deserts will remain dry.
This time..........is the last.

It's over. I have returned to the state always known normal to me.
I'll let the tears fall casually for now on.

No more fighting, no more holding back, no more.
I am meant to be that post....that beating post.
I will come to grasps with that one day.

Until then, I'll drown my pillow with my own tears and close my eyes to the world.
There is nothing left for me to see.

Birth of a Broken Heart

2008-04-26T01:08:00.000-07:00

Birth of a Broken Heart

The heavens tore apart and thunder crashed upon the earth.
A raging war scattered throughout all of the lands.
Mother nature cried a thousand tears of burning acid raindrops.
The winds from the east and the west met in the central lands.
Violent tornadoes ravaged the forests and deserts.
The hills were filled with screaming echoes of disaster.
The sky turned pitch black as the stars tucked themselves away.
Fires broke out like an infectious disease burning everything in sight.
Smoke and ash turned everything, still in existence, grey.
Silence fell and ice took over the entire world.
All of the pain became locked inside to wait…silently waiting….

Angelic View

2008-04-14T01:35:00.001-07:00

An imaginary wish floats within her head,

As she walks in misery all the way to bed.

Nothing seems to want to change so she cries,

The tears fall until the moment she dies.

Wings form and her body becomes weightless,

A white illuminating ribbon dances along her dress.

The sun smiles and the wind dances through her hair,

Her eyes open and no smile is made, only a blank stare.

The breeze pulls her across the blue sky,

Tears wanting to fall, yet her face remains dry.

Lands before her glow with a vibrant sadness,

A man-made, chaotic, and depressing madness.

The tears threaten again yet nothing falls,

Without opening her lips she calls.

Clouds form all around her creating a rain,

The tears flow through them onto the pain.

A soothing comfort is sent with each drop,

Her wanting need for all of the agony to stop.

Pure love falls down like a morning dew,

Then, she finally smiles from her angelic view.

WOW

2008-04-09T03:44:00.000-07:00

I was asleep like a zombie from the underworld. Nothing could wake me, I mean nothing. Well, or so one would think considering the circumstance...but then it happened.

I could hear talking from the other end of the bed. "Is that mom? Why in the world is she at the end of the bed!?" I thought. I reached out to see if she was lying next to me and I thought I had felt her so I closed my eyes again still wondering how I could have awoken to begin with so easily.

A few seconds passed and movements were made. I opened my eyes and saw it coming. O_O Her foot came crashing down on me! She kicked the shit out of me and starting yelling out. I think she was having a nightmare! O_O So I woke her up and said, "Mom, what in the world?" Naturally I disregarded the pain even though it wasn't that bad. It was the overwhelming shock of the situation. (Being asleep in deep rem and being awoken of what I now know to have been kicked not once but twice.) LOL....she was worried that she hurt me and kept apologizing but I assured her it was quite alright as I now have something great to laugh about. ^_^

Enjoy life as much as you can. :)

Two forms of pain

2008-03-20T23:54:00.000-07:00

I don't f*cking care anymore.
I cannot even cry anymore it hurts so much.
I am not going to fight, I've lost all reason to.
So....I'll just sit back and patiently wait for what is meant to happen.
Too tired to write more...will continue later.....

One more thing before I go.....

F*CK YOU MEAN PEOPLE YOU CAN ALL GO TO HELL.

I'm tired of seeing people hurt others it sickens me.
I'm even more tired of people trying to hurt me.
It's almost pathetic anymore.
How do you break someone who is already broken?
YOU CAN'T SO F*CKING GIVE IT UP ALREADY YOU F*CKING MORONS!

Acid Rain

2008-02-16T01:43:00.000-08:00

Acid Rain

It falls freely on my fragile cheeks,
Holes burn carelessly through to the bone,
A true smile hasn't lifted my face in weeks.
Was there something that I did wrong?

I walk down a long and lonely path everyday,
I'm lost and broken with no where to go,
There is a light ahead of me but it is so far away.
Will I ever be allowed some room for me to grow?

I want to escape to a place that does not contain such pain.
For so long I've been trapped in dreams yet I have been violently ripped away from my world.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I can't run or hide.
I can't stand or sit.
I just am...I am just here...on looking and intaking all that is bestowed upon me and that is just it.

Second Chance

2008-01-25T16:49:00.001-08:00

As soon as I wished upon a star tonight,
A tear quickly fell down my cheek,
I couldn’t contain the pain once I saw it out right,
The star did not listen nor did it speak.

It tucked itself behind a stray cloud and hid from my face,
It was in an instance that my smile turned upside down,
Was what I did so bad that I should endure such disgrace?
How badly I wanted not to frown.

The love I love so deeply hid itself from me in my deepest hour of need,
So badly I wanted to express the wanting desire to hold him close to my heart,
For feeling this way does that mean I’m full of nothing but greed?
Am I so wretched that the tears started to steadily fall the longer we were apart?

A tear is a precious pain, in which I will always admire later on,
I cry the hardest before and during, but after,
There is an empty hole in me missing them when they’re gone.
Then something comes along changing the sad tones to a mild laughter.

It almost hurts to laugh when you’re away from me enduring such pain,
You are the one and only that can ever bring me revelry,
Why must I be so greatly enticed by the never-ending love you’ve lain?
How can I make your soul smile with a feeling you can call heavenly?

On my knees I’d fall before you bathing your feet with my tears,
I’d kiss all your wounds and hold you close to my broken heart,
May you find some comfort and escape any treacherous fears,
In dreams, when we are so horrifically torn apart.

Don't ask....~o.O.o.SIGH.o.O.o~

2007-12-31T09:26:00.000-08:00

There are so many thoughts protruding and interrupting the flow of things.
I want to scream at the burns from the tears falling down my face.
My flesh beckons for the cool breeze of a gentler day.
The heart of birth is burrowing deep within my soul.
It hides from this dreary world and hopes for the sun to shine again.

The sun is always hidden from me.
I’ve grown accustomed to the gray skies and rain.
I love the rain.
It makes me feel happy because why?
Am I sad and maybe the rain hides my tears?
Well you wouldn’t know in all honesty.
I wouldn’t tell you.

Sound surpasses my lips and echoes down empty halls.
The echoes send chills down my spine.
I reach out for a hand to hold but there is not one.
Yet, I felt the warmth of another being seemingly moments ago.
Everything is a blur anymore.

Did I miss the moment?
The right time and place?
Is there such a thing?

I don’t want to play the ‘if’ game.
If this happened then blah blah blah.
If I didn’t do this then blah blah blah.
The ‘if’ game is ebil and playground for demons to eat at your soul.

Depression is a state of mind so they say.
However, the mind is connected to the soul.
So why not validate such a thing?

The way I see it.

Soul – The entire being.
Heart – The voice and emotion of the being.
Mind – The container that holds everything in place and stores memories.

I believe we think with our hearts.
I know what science says and blah blah blah.
However, to live without emotion or concern is to die.
We are not zombies, well not all of us.
If you wish to speak on something or react to something that it’s because it touches an emotion which I have already said exists through your heart.
A conscience doesn’t lie in our mind but our hearts, so don’t try to debate me and say that the mind will control the outcome of what happens.
The mind only holds the memories that you learn to avoid doing stupid things in the future.

Ack! I’m rambling! Gomen! T.T

Tagged by Xabre! Wooo!

2007-12-31T08:48:00.000-08:00

Rules: Do this tag and answer all the questions into your own blog. Delete one question from the questions listed and add one of your own questions. Make sure it's 20 questions. Tag 8 persons.

1. What was your dream when you were a small kid?
To stop the tears and to bring more comfort to those around me.

2. What is your happiest thing in your whole life?
Well I'm much too young for this to be my whole life! Dunn be jinxing me! Xp So far though my happiest moments were spent with my Grandfather. ^_^

3. What do you wish to have now?
Wings. I want to fly. ^_^

4. How should the world be seen?
Through your own eyes, not through others.

5. What have you realized recently?
I realized that I am in love. *Blush.*

6. What is the bad habit that you cannot accept the most?
I leave cabinet doors open! T_T Then I bump my head on them! *CRIES*

7. When you have something which you are unhappy about, what will you do?
Depends on if there is anything I can do about it. Mostly things that make me unhappy are out of my control otherwise I wouldn’t be unhappy. ;)

8. Are you afraid of losing?
Why? Why be afraid of losing? If you don’t lose then you don’t know what winning feels like. ;)

9. Do you think that you feel helpless, or useless, sometimes?
Yes I do. T.T

10. When you meet someone that you like, will you confess or hide your feelings?
Depends on the person and the situation. Most likely not though.

11. List out 3 kind of people you hate the most.
Well that’s a problem. O.O””” I don’t hate anyone. I don’t know how to hate and I don’t want to learn.

12. If you're given a chance to change the world, what will u do?
“I would leave it for God to decide the fate of the world.” - Xabre

13. Are you satisfied with your life now? Do you think any changes should be made?
There is always room for improvement. I do my best and hope for the best in all that a I can.

14. When was the most recent time you felt touched?
*Sigh.*

15. Where is the place that you visited and you felt the most beautiful?
My dreams.

16. Use a song to describe how you've felt recently.
There isn’t one. It’s simply complicated.

17. What is the sweetest thing you’ve ever tasted?
Black Cherries, they are the awesomeness! ^_^

18. Do you have anything to worry or to be scared about recently?
Yes but it’s too private to share.

19. What am I looking for in my life?
Well I don’t know what you are looking for in life? O.O”” You didn’t tell me so how am I supposed to know! Lol… However, I am looking for nothing in life. ^_^ I take each moment as it comes. ;)

20. What do you think about tissue?
Tissue? O.O””” What’s the tissue doing? Um, should I be concerned? This sounds serious! O.O

I tag... no one...T.T everyone has already been tagged! *Runs around in panic.* lol..

Reminder

2007-12-23T00:58:00.000-08:00

My heart skips beats at the thought of you,
You’re bound to break it a time or two.
I could lie here next to you,
For all eternity if our skies remained blue.

…but they won’t.

In my dreams, in my world, it rains everyday,
I tried to shelter myself before but there is no way.
You’ll grow tired of this and move away,
To a new dream world, where the sun shall stay.

…darkness falls.

False visions and hopes entangle your mind,
A frail love, once so hard to find.
Your memories like a tape you try to rewind,
Yet, everything is intertwined.

…you will lose hope.

Tears will find your heart buried deep within,
You’ll look at the life you lived with an eye of sin.
Begging the skies to change how you’d been,
Nothing will listen, nothing will let you in.

…trapped in nightmares.

Holding your string of life with a hand unsteady,
You’ll want to escape but you did already.
You rushed your time and learned you weren’t ready,
In a hard knock lesson all because she was pretty.

…forgive and forget.

-Angeleyes

In the Dark

2007-12-15T21:46:00.000-08:00

Help me.
It's been stolen.
I feel empty inside.

My soul is missing.
Two deaths in one year.
My body aches.

The tears burn.
My eyes hurt.
My heart is bleeding.

- - - - -

Text comes through with message of death.
Now calling Amanda.
Sigh.
Details pour in.
Tears fall.
Heart sinks into bottom of my stomach.

Rushes through house randomly packing things.
Forgets many things.
Takes a shower.
Heads for road and the road is blocked. O_O
"What? Are you serious? Just my luck!" T.T
Looks at like thirty police, ambulance, and fire trucks. O_O
"Oh that looks bad, I hope the person(s) are okay." =(
Turns back around and heads back to the house.
Parks car in drive way and waits.
Finally makes it on the road.
It's VERY late. O_O
I'm VERY sleepy. @_@
It starts sleeting! T.T
Then rain.
More sleet.
More rain. O_O
Very windy and cold weather too.
Phone rings.
"Hello?"
"Hey Mom." O_O
Her voice is slurred.
Gah. Buh. Bleh.
She's been drinking. :/
Prepares self for 'serious talk'.
She tells me something good/bad. O_O
It leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.
I wonder what this entire outcome will be.
Oh how she just installed all types of fear in me on her behalf! =.=
Half way down road going 70 MPH a 5 MPH car pulls out in front of me. >_<
Many curse words and abuse to the horn occur. >_<
Wonders why people get their license when they can't drive! ><
Is getting sleepier by the minute.
Finally makes it to destination at wee hours of morning. O_O
Two hours of unrested sleep.
Couldn't fall asleep, too quiet here. T.T
Was awaken constantly within those two hours.
Sigh.
Does not wake up grouchy but more sad than before.
The funeral is a few hours and I'm not ready.
I was never ready nor will I ever be.
There is no way you can prepare for death. >.<

Death........death..............death!
People tremble at the thought.
I'm tired of thinking about it.
Sigh.
So many deaths.
So much pain.
I am alone.

Ebil just Ebil...=.=

2007-12-06T05:28:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I woke up looking for Inyuasha (My cat) but I couldn't find him. :eek: I started to panic because it's not like him to not come running to me when I call for him.

Someone let him out of the house while I was sleeping! *CRIES*

I woke up my friend and told him to get off of his backside and help me find my cat since he was the one who let him out.

We went outside. *It's freezing. I still in a panic, am in a Tshirt, boxer shorts, and socks.*

Ack! So I'm freezing, crying, *Already sick* and in panic.

*CRIES*

We call and call but nothing answers but the silence and it says nothing. =.=

Finally I hear some rustling in the leaves on the ground behind a nearby bush.

So I grab the flashlight and I go take a look.

O_O..Inyuasha and another cat are fighting and the other cat has him pinned down by the throat!! No!!!!!!!!

I grab the broom and swat at them to try and break them apart.

The tabby cat takes a run for it and Inyuasha panics and runs under the neighbor's truck. =.=

I sit there for nearly 30 minutes trying to persuade him from out from under that stupid truck.

Finally I have to use the broom to push him out. *He's screaming at me all the while.*

*Sigh* So I grab him up and we head inside.

He's still too shaken to let me check his wounds but he is resting on the foot of my bed. *Sigh*

Did I mention it was 5:30 am?...*buhhhhhhh*

Happy on Opposite Day

2007-12-02T15:21:00.000-08:00

What is Opposite Day you might ask. Well..it's just as it seems or rather nothing is at it seems or should seem to begin with.

We are stuck in expectations to know these things because we are taught the truth.

O_O...but but but....

The truth? Who actually knows the truth?

We are expected to speak the truth.

O_O...but but but...

How can we speak of something we don't know?

Ah, ha...now you're catching my drift.

We are all liars. Want proof? Ok then, here it is.

If I die right now, yes I said die, like..go away for good, you know bye bye I'm seriously not coming back.

Anyway back to my point.

If I die who would actually cry for me?

Would you cry for me? No, but you would say you were.

You cry not for me, but for yourself.

You don't want to lose me, you are selfish and wish I were here for/with you.

The actual thoughts of what I feel or what I'm going through will not cross your mind.

Well not at first at least, if ever at all.

So what if I'm in hell or heaven? O_O....

Hell surely would not be fun. =.=

So here I am, burning up in hell or whatever brutal pain a person would go through there, and there you are crying because I'm not there for/with you. Haha.

Cry because I screwed up my life and went to hell.

Oh wait, then technically that'd make me selfish because I want your pity! Hahaha!

Do you see the simple-complexity here?..I think I may be starting to cover my point of topic now. ^_^ yay!

So anyway...I could be in Heaven living it up! Woot! Yay for all of the wonderful things.

Then there you are crying wishing me back to this wretched place full of pain in comparison to the wonderful place I'd be at.

O_O...now that's not very nice is it! You should be happy for me, but noooo, you're being selfish! Meanie!...ok...I think I've said enough.

Sigh...

Now that's not to say I wouldn't truly miss you more than anything because I would and that's certainly not to say that I'd ever ask for pity.

I do not like pity what so ever. =.=

Also, I value my friends and our friendships to the fullest. *Huggles to you all.*

Sigh...

My smile is upside down and the tears are the waves in my ocean of my misery.

What a lonely ocean to be on...what a lonely place it is.

Gomen. It is as it is, as it always will be.

Aware

2007-12-01T02:35:00.000-08:00

I breathe the cold breath of pain,
I sigh because I'm lost in the nothingness,
Your sleep is my sadness in self greed,
Hold me, need me, save me from this awareness!

You are behind the agony with your sweet smile,
Your beautiful eyes consuming my life,
It truly has never been worth living without you,
Yet, the truth lingers because I didn't plan to be a wife.

Spoken words that have fallen upon your ears before,
Yet, were you intently listening when I showed my heart?
That in itself scares me alone despite the fact of wanting us,
However, not more than the pain I feel when we're apart.

Love has never been my forte so I'm fragile,
This is known, knowing you share the mutuality,
My emotions feel like thin glass waiting to be broken,
Why must you invade my made up reality?

These are my dreams that I for so long planned to live alone,
Yet, with you now I feel like I’ve been missing you all this while,
Memories making in a moments time and laughter forming in seconds,
All you do is make me happy with each heart felt smile.

I’m entrapped by this connection and I don’t want to escape,
I tried at first but failed miserably and cause myself grief,
Sleeping in tears that night I awoke in fear that you’d be gone,
Yet, there you were, smiling and waiting, you are my relief.

You are my break away from this horrid world,
The tender concern of feeling complete once more,
The angel I’ve waited for so long to make me whole,
I gladly give in and will allow you to walk through my door.

“I love you and there is so much that I want to say yet there just doesn’t seem to be a way.”

**Sigh**

Speechless

2007-11-29T04:43:00.000-08:00

Silent love falls upon my heart,
It lies dormant as I hold my breath,
How long shall I keep it close?
How long shall I keep you waiting?

Answer-less questions run rapidly in my mind,
I see you asking yet I haven't responded,
Guilt beckons my conscience,
A tear will shortly form and fall quickly.

As quick as it falls another shall soon follow,
A pattern to be continued for a length of time unknown,
How well is your patience I wonder?
Is there a time frame hovering over me now?

*Scattered Pieces*

I don’t know how to tell you what you want to know!
Is there no way that you can render some kind of understanding?

*Sigh*

What I know and feel is stuck on my tongue..so here it goes.

*Sigh*

Through darkness you’ve been my guiding light, I’d be lost without you by my side.
I love you and I have no other means to show you because I’m still ‘learning’.
If you truly love me then bear with me through this uncontrollable state.

Um?

2007-11-18T16:21:00.000-08:00

L: Hey Tierra! *Glomp!*
Tierra: You didn't respond to my text messages! =.=
L: What text messages?
Tierra: The ones I sent you!
L: Um, I didn't get them.
Tierra: Well I sent several, not one but several.
L: Well, um, I don't have them otherwise I'd have responded, you know that.
Tierra: Well, I think you need a new phone or something because I sent them.
L: Um, no I don't. T_T I haven't had any other problems with text from anyone else. ...*sigh*...

*Looks at who's who.*

*Thinks.*

"Name's not there. Why? Every Sunday, yet I'm scheduled. This is almost insulting."

GM: Hello Laura.
L: Hey.
GM: You need a spot.
L: Yes.
GM: Where do you want to go?
L: It doesn't matter.
GM: Okay well Earnest isn't coming so go into his spot in the smoking section.
L: Okay.
GM: Okay.
L: *Thinks.* How insulting, I was scheduled.

*A very slow day. It was rainy and freezing cold. No one wanted to venture outside of their warm and cozy home.*

*Smoking section was especially dead.*

*Cash was pointless to even be bothered with going in.*

L: Hey Marquitta.
Marquitta: Hey Laura I missed you. *Hugs*
L: I missed you too.
Marquitta: What's been going on?
L: Um, nothing much out of the ordinary, just really busy lately. You?
Marquitta: Same.
L: Okay.

*The day goes by so slow that I become bored.*

L: Hey Chris *Manager*
Chris: What's up?
L: I'm bored.
Chris: Oh?
L: Yeah.
Chris: Well I'm going to cut your section soon since your relief should be here soon anyway.
L: Oh okay. Well I will go straighten it up then.
Chris: Yeah go do that and come back to me.

*Cleans section and is interrupted by Tierra.*

L: What are you doing?
Tierra: Chris told me to seat you this table since your relief isn't here yet.
L: Erm..*sigh*....okay then.
Tierra: Sorry.
L: It's okay this is the reason why I came to work. *Only wishes that the management would be more consistent.*

*Greets table.*

L: Bonjourno.
Table: (aka lady and man) Hi.
L: How are you this evening?
Table: Good and you?
L: I'm pretty good myself. Glad to have you here.
Table: Hehe. Thanks.
L: My name is Laura and I will be taking care of you this evening. *Presents a bottle of Gabbianto Chianti Classico - Red Wine.* May I offer you a complimentary sample?
Table: -Lady says, I'm pregnant and points to husband. However he will gladly take the sample.
L: Okay. *Pours the 1oz sample.* If you like it feel free to let me know and I will gladly pour you a glass.
Table: Sure thing.

.................and so forth and so on it went.*

Brandie: Hey Laura.
L: Hey Brandie.
Brandie: I had to go ahead and get some photos taken for the wedding invitations.
L: Okay.
Brandie: I still need to confirm a date for the pre-pictures.
L: Yes you do. ^^
Brandie: You are still going to photograph the wedding right?
L: *Thinks before speaking that this asked every time we see each other.* Of course Brandie.
Brandie: Okay good.
L: Yeah.
Brandie: I've decided on a place for the reception as well.
L: Oh?
Brandie: Yeah it's going to be in Byram.
L: Cool. Isn't that rather far out?
Brandie: Yeah but it's right down from where my church is.
L: Oh okay.

...................sorry for the random....my day was strange..........................

~Breathe~

2007-11-18T00:35:00.000-08:00

I did it. I told it. I spoke up. It's done and over now. Time to wait. For what? What am I waiting for? A response? No, waiting will kill me. I'm scared. I don't know what to think. For the first time ever in my life I'm...blank. I can't describe this emotion that is swallowing my dreams and thoughts. Like floating on a river I feel weightless and free. Yet what have I done? Was this the right choice? Should have I kept my mouth shut and never spoke of my emotions? True emotions. True. Heartfelt. Everything is merging. T_T

I'm embarrassed. That's what it is. I've never felt so strongly about this before. I am either moving forward or backwards. Will time actually tell or will I forever walk in this darkness?

I sit and wait. Alone. Tis the best choice I do believe.

................................*sigh*...................................

Seen and Unseen

2007-10-31T09:30:00.000-07:00

Seen and Unseen

The wind is cold when you’re all alone,
Even on the hottest of days,
Being happy seems so wrong,
As each tree sadly, in tune to the air, sways.

I see faded memories of you all the time,
It sinks into my heart that things have become like this,
There is a ladder before me that won’t let me climb,
For you, why am I not allowed or entitled to miss?

I will cry for you if you will let me,
I will bear any burden that taunts you,
I will wipe your tears away so you can see,
I will, I will paint your skies once again blue.

Yet, you won’t let me in this deplorable state,
My hopes are becoming shattered anymore,
I see you sinking in hole at a fast consumption rate,
Time stops for me as I walk for the door.

Each step seems to tie a brick to my feet,
I can’t do it, I won’t do it, and you can’t make me,
I am falling with you because the daylight is fading,
You are affecting my world and my thoughts you are invading.

Once I would like to speak and be heard,
Once I would like to see you smile,
Once I would like to give you one word,
That has more meaning than anything even if for a while.

A moment of love in happiness is better than none at all,
I am here for you and there is nothing you can do to stop it,
Please stop pushing me against this cold and wretched wall,
I will still stay here no matter if you throw a wanting to be lonely fit.

-Angeleyes

People's Phases

2007-10-25T22:24:00.000-07:00

Why? Why is it that when it rains it pours?

I was minding my own business, yet, two completely separate people come to me saying how they think their life is coming to an end. How they are so angry and then turn it around on me. Again, I repeat, I was minding my own business. They are the ones who came to me knowing that I offer a lending ear and advice if it is asked for.

Games. Why do people think games work on me? I see right through them and it insults my intelligence when they try to pull the wool over my eyes like I don't know any better. I may have been born in the morning time but it wasn't this morning. >_<

After I tried to understand them and ask them exactly what they are saying (because they were both upset at each time and weren't speaking clearly) they both call themselves snapping on me! What?! That's a no no. >< Especially when I'm trying to help after they forced themselves on me to help to begin with.

Then, to finalize things they threaten that they are leaving as if I'm supposed to chase them down. I refuse to chase someone down especially when they are playing games and attempting to take their problems out on me.

What really gets me is that they are so stuck on themselves that they never even thought to consider if anything was going on in my life. How do they know whether I'm going through something or not? They don't because they never cared to consider it or even ask. >_<

-Angeleyes

Life & Random Thoughts

2007-10-25T07:10:00.001-07:00

Life is simply complex.

We breathe and we feel. We learn and we know. We trust and we are let down. Yet, there is something about seeing a person smile that can warm a heart and bring joy to your day. Especially if you are the cause of that person's smile.

Often I wish I smiled more. I feel awkward smiling because it gives a false impression. Mostly I grin and bear the turmoil that floods my inner world because I know it can't last forever.

Answer-less questions run rapid in my thoughts and I feel empty. To understand is more so my goal anymore. You can't learn anything if you don't understand first. Most people try to learn things without understanding them which causes a conflict of interest. An unhealthy opinion is formed and misconstrued judgments build a wall high enough to blind a person's eye from seeing the truth.

Truth is the answer. It's the only answer and no one knows it.

Sad; the circles we run in for something we can never have. >_<

-Angeleyes

Observe

2007-10-25T06:55:00.000-07:00

Over the summer I met some kids that live in my apartment complex at the pool. They seemed pretty cool. Plus I enjoy talking to all people I don't care how young or old you are. People are people to me. I never meet a stranger.

Anyway..to my point(s).

I have been hanging out with them from time and time. Here lately I have been hanging out with them more when I have free time. (They tend to come over unannounced and I don't have the heart to send them away.) (Not like I was doing anything anyway..lol.) Plus I know as long as they are there with me they aren't getting into trouble. I have a PS2 and always some new movies from blockbuster they can watch. I have games and etc. You get the idea.

I know this may sound really crazy but I have been observing them very deeply. Listening to what they have to say. The things they do, what they have gone through and all that good stuff. They are from the ages of 11-18. Now here's the best and craziest part. OUT OF ALL OF THEM THE YOUNGEST, THE 11 YR. OLD, IS THE SMARTEST, KINDEST, AND MOST RESPECTFUL. The boy doesn't cuss, start trouble, smoke, drink, have sex, and etc. The other ones do all of that stuff. That just bewilders me that 14 yr. olds are acting this way! This is not the first time I have seen this and wont be the last. It just is in my thoughts these days since I am seeing is so frequent. I think the biggest thing is they look at the 11 yr. old as an outcast because he is still a virgin and doesn't do smoke and stuff. He got into a fight the other day because one of the 14 yr. olds was picking on him. He handled himself pretty well I thought. I was proud of him but at the same time I felt pity for him. (I dare not show it though, not directly.) He shouldn't have to defend himself like that, especially at such a young age. He's not even a teenager yet. The worst part is they all have pretty much gone through the same thing. They all have concerned loving parents/guardians. Yet 1 out of 5 is being himself. That is soo scary. There is a part in the bible that says (Forgive me if its not word for word but this is what is basically is) "Narrow and long is the path to heaven, but short and wide is the path to hell."

I see the people I work with as these kids grown up. Because I work with a bunch of 2-faced snakes. realizing that what they say is true. You can not blame your past on your future. You are responsible for your own actions. You choose to be who you are. Granted I understand your childhood molds your personality for the most part. But you learn good from bad along the way. We all have a conscience and its not your mom or dad's fault if you don't listen to it. I also am aware that we are habitual creatures. So we have a lot of bad habits to go along with the good.

I also know how hard it is to break a habit. I was a smoker for 8 years and I just quit this summer. It is sooo hard..dealing with the cravings and withdrawals. But, I ask for no pity because I knew it was wrong to pick it up to begin with. Plus along the way before and during people have told me to stay away from smoking. So there is no excuse. People even fought to have warning labels put on the packs and cartons because they had lost loved ones and wanted the world to be warned. But its soo sad that since then smokers have only increased. I guess its safe to say that in the end, a person is going to do what they want to do. That is why you can't change people. You can only hope to influence them for the better, not the worse.

-Angeleyes
Friday, August 19, 2005

Nightmares

2007-10-25T06:48:00.000-07:00

It all started about a week ago. Between school and work, (or as I like to call it; stress and fatigue), I have been reminiscing. Painful memories have haunted my idle mind and fearful futures have tormented my tired soul. I feel that my problems are overlapping with my dreams causing a series of nightmares.

My first nightmare was not too bad. During the time it occurred, I was still getting along with my boss at work and my school work was not very demanding. However, I still felt fatigue considering my full week schedule. My nightmare that evening was strange none the less. I woke up within a dream, yet, I was still dreaming of falling off of a cliff. This nightmare seemed to have been put on replay that night, because I had it over and over again. I was very tired the next day due to the exhaustion from falling off of a cliff so many times and actually thinking it was real.

Now, the next nightmare, it really wrecked my nerves. I feel it was initiated by the fact that I had been thinking about my long lost sister a lot more than usual. I was in an apartment somewhere that seemed to be somewhat familiar to me. Although I felt closely associated with this place, I was detached and ready to leave. I was sitting in a chair in the living room watching TV, only to find that I was not alone. I heard someone walking around on the top floor, so I decided to get up and take a look around. As I was slowly creeping up the stairs, I heard someone singing in a very familiar tone. This encouraged me to move a little faster because I felt my ears were deceiving me. When I got to the very top step, I took a deep breath and slowly opened the bedroom door. Low and behold, before my eyes stood April (my sister), she stopped what she was doing and joined me with a long; confused stare. It appeared that neither of us understood nor realized how, when, or why we were amongst each others presence. I have so much anger and pain built up inside of me regarding her, that I wanted to scream and curse her for all that she is not worth. She watched as my emotions began to rise from my heart to the tip of my tongue, and out of fear she slammed the door in my face. Frustrated at this point, I clumsily ran downstairs (tripping all the way) and crashed into the floor. I yelled out of both physical and mental pain, and then it happened. I woke up to realize that I was in my bed; buried deep down under the covers far away from my nightmare.

The last nightmare is what topped it all off for me to realize that I was enduring a series of nightmares. It was a cold wintry evening and I was outside playing. (I could not believe that I was six years old again.) When I got bored with what I was doing, I decided to go back inside where it was warm and cozy. Also, I would find a delicious home cooked meal and the comfort of my mother. When I approached the front door, I noticed there were not any lights on in the house. This instilled an instant fear deep within my stomach. I opened the door as fast as I could and ran through the hallway calling out for my mom. I stopped for a second to listen, no one answered but the silence and it said nothing. I started to shiver as chills were dancing up and down my spine. I turned the corner; walking into a dark kitchen and dark living room. I turned on the light switch but no light came on. I then panicked and ran back outside to see that my moms car was still parked in the driveway. I was so scared that I stood still in that one spot for at least a solid minute (which in my state seemed to be forever). I woke up crying and yelling out for my mom. It was three a.m. so I could not call her because she was asleep.

As a result to all my nightmares which were caused by bad memories and twisted realities; I have come to a conclusion that I may very well be depressed and lonely. To top things off, stress from my day to day routine has increased my imagination and pushed it into a dark abyss causing me to hallucinate.

-Angeleyes
Monday, April 24, 2006