Same shit, different day

I came here to relieve the burdens off of my shoulders again. As I was reading my last post before making this one...I realized it was almost word for word in what I was feeling now. A sad reality. I've not moved forward one inch or even if I had I've been pulled back to this place. This morbid and twisted place. I hate it. I hate everything. That's how I feel inside. There is no one, yet everyone, around me. This always happens. One day I won't wake up.

Love and Lust...

Often times we find ourselves head over heels for someone. That someone in many cases is just a temporary attraction that caught our eye. What if this same concept can be applied to things and life? I know it sounds simple but given a deeper thought...it's more complex than I first had imagined. Many days I feel like I'm in love with my life and everything is going so smoothly and finally maybe just maybe I am starting to love myself. Then the next day I wake up and it was like I had been in a foggy daze just the day before. I still see the same ugly Laura in the mirror and the same bitter world that burns my heart with blisters then pours salt on my wounds. People, friends, acquaintances...whatever you would like to call them WILL let you down because of imperfection, selfishness, and difference. This of course is a catch 20-20 because the very same things that can be said of those people you have such high expectations can also be said of yourself. So how can one truly ever move forward in any relation with ANYTHING else? Not just people....objects tend to affect us through the years in different ways as well. One day a green pen is awesome to write with while tomorrow green could be the worst color in the world to you. I know it's a lot harder to see with objects but objects do in face change over time. That green pen will start fading, get broken, or just corrode naturally. Sigh....Maybe I'm actually searching for freedom...could it be?

God has done everything he possibly can to make me happy and yet I find myself drowning in misery. Do I love misery? Or am I a broken and won't let God fix me because I don't trust him to do so carefully?

How does one learn this? Is it a subconscious thing....? Do our parents teach us this? The television...society in general?

I can't remember the first time I caught someone lying to me because I'm sure it was one of my friends but I do in fact remember the first time I caught my mom in a lie. That hurt more than any pain I had felt before hand. If you can't trust your own mother how can you trust ANYONE? That thought plays in my head like a broken record and it's hard to move forward from it. Even after becoming an adult. I know it's seemingly childish to think mothers are perfect. I suppose I'd like to still believe there are other people out there like me. Not to say I myself am perfect but I don't lie to or on others to harm them that's for sure. Sigh....

Broken

I feel so lifeless. I sit at home all alone every single day and night. Games and sleep drown out the loneliness but when it's time to go to bed there is nothing there to stop my mind and heart from reminding me that I am empty. My house is empty.

Mean people are a painful reminder as to why I am all alone. So I can't really complain or expect anything to change as long as this remains. I can't find reasons to wake up anymore. There is nothing here for me. I find myself too complex to be loved or understood. People try but I push them away because they hurt me and I just can't take anymore pain than that which I've already accumulated.

Between my physical health issues and scars on my heart from the abuse I've taken off people through the years I just can't deal with anything anymore. Everyone is pulling, pushing, tearing and not happy with me. I'm going to hell anyway, why not kill myself now and get a head start. No point in waiting really.

Every single day of my life I want to reach out to someone and tell them what's on my mind and heart but I don't think anyone cares to listen so I don't bother. Or I'm just so emotionally drained from the day that I can't find the energy to tell anyone. I am broken and now I'm stuck with this.

Bullies

So I was walking into a store and noticed police cars and city cars parked on the side of the building behind this woman. She was standing outside of her car talking to the police officer. You could tell how frustrated she was because it was written all over her face like a bright yellow banner.

As I started to pass the scene, she yelled out to her car, "SHUT UP!! I AM RIGHT HERE! THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU SO SHUT UP!" Bewildered by this as I was walking, I nearly stopped. I looked down into the car and there was a baby, probably not even one year old yet. That poor helpless baby. She was so evil in her tone when speaking to that child. It made me sick to my stomach and hold a deep empathy for that kid.

Why are people's hearts so dark and filled with hatred? Am I drowning in this pool of evilness now? Have I seriously been that blind this long? I am losing faith in humanity. So many people are lost in the darkness.

Fallen

Fallen

A hero surfaces from the darkness and holds out his hand,
He leans forward and attempts to swoop the damsel off of her feet.
She refuses him with a mysterious smile and carelessly walks away,
Standing there left in his own confusion, he frowns with a deep pain.
There is no understanding for such a situation on his thoughts.

Black and grey ashes gracefully fall from the clouds like snow,
A tear forms in the corner of his eye and rolls down his cheek.
In a second's time, the tear turns black as it fills with falling soot,
War paint seems to form on his face as the wind blows from the west.
Anger consumes his heart as the space around him closes in.

Distant shadows of dark creatures lurk about and yet he doesn't care,
The glory days are now over and life cannot go forward without her.
As silence embraces his ears everything inside and out, dies,
There is a light in the distance but it is rapidly fading.
The struggle within has begun and no one will mention a word.

The sirens sound off in panic as the demons devour the entire world,
With no escape from the chaos the sky can only reverberate the screams.
The ground violently shakes and a molten jagged break opens for the engulfing,
A lava pit swallows everything in a matter of moments leaving nothing in sight.
He remains still, there is nothing to hold on to, no one to try and understand.

-Laura Williams

"Ain't Life Funny"

I had it all planned that day. Everything down to the very shoes I would wear. I had my nerve built up enough to at least put together my attire which was a black dress I wore to my grandmother's funeral and a pair of sandal platforms. They were my favorite dress shoes because I thought they made my legs longer and nicer looking. When I had myself all put together, I headed out the door. Still with my burdens weighing down on me I naturally walked slow. When I made it to my destination, I became filled with terror. It was a bridge on the trace right by my house over a canal leading into the reservoir. I sat down for a few moments to go over my last thoughts. I wanted to be rescued deep down because I imagined someone grab me as I would fall over the side and pull me back up. But even I knew that was out of reality. No one ever saw me with helpful eyes. After about 15 minutes, I finally stepped up onto the side of the bridge. I couldn't do it, my nerve was left from me. Sure enough as I started to get down, a freight truck passed. The wind was too strong to fight so I lost my footing and fell. When I began to fall I started to regret my present actions full heartedly. I fell in hopes of survival and without injuries. To my surprise as I landed in the water, I felt no pain and came back up to the surface still with life. A sudden relief of fear came over me and I became excited for a brief moment before it happened. Loud clashes of large body masses hit the water all around me. I then saw I had not escaped the hands of death so easily. Alligators with hungered expressions on their faces swarmed me. As they fought over my near lifeless body I began to sink to the bottom. My life flashed through my thoughts as fast as a jet breaking sound barrier. The last memories were of all the people who hurt had me. Death soon came very easily and put a soothing calm over my soul.

Laura Williams

A Year

Wow...it's been almost a year since I've last posted here. It feels strange now. I don't even know where my year went. It's hidden it seems from my memory. Maybe it is tucked away behind all of the tears and pain I went through. Or the time spent going to school and work. Who knows, maybe a bit of it all. :)

No worries I suppose. I am back now, posting which at least means I'm alive haha! Wooooooooooo for life! xD So many habits I've picked up along the way and many more things to add to my OCD. I finished half of my school and now need to finish the other half. It feels like wednesday. I don't know if I should be sad that I am halfway there and still have half the work left or happy because I am in fact half way there. >.<;; bleh...what's wrong with seeing the glass half empty neh? Especially if you know what it feels like to be empty!!! *Sigh* I quit smoking too. It's been crazy. Real crazy.